Sunday, June 21, 2009

Well, Yucky.

I had an awesome weekend. I went to Boston with friends, saw the Red Sox beat the Braves, had a ton of laughs, and did something I don't usually do. I allowed myself to be photographed. Let's just say....I looked horrible, truly awful. So big and, and....Well, yucky. I have to live with it for now, but as special as that time is for me, I wish I didn't have photographic evidence for how I look. You see, at the game they have these photographers that come around and take a picture of you and your friends in this wonderful setting. I made the mistake of actually looking at the pictures. Not good. On top of that my lovely friends and I were on t.v. when they panned the crowd. Can you guess how we were able to be seen in the crowd? Me. Yep, the gigantic red blob in the seat at the end of the row. That was me. Once you spot me in the crowd, you can see my darling friends next to me. Yuck.

Okay, I know I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself....and maybe I am, but I am also going to use this as a catalyst to really get moving on to a better self. On a positive note, we walked a lot in the past two days, and, I didn't die! I actually enjoyed it, except for the knees that hurt at the end of the day. But they haven't fallen off yet, so, yeah me!

Okay, this is what I am up to this week: least 3 out of 7 days. A little bit further each time I walk.
Drinking water....and nothing else if I can manage it.
Eating....Protein, Protein, Protein. Less carbs over all.

Go Me!

Think I can do it?? I do.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Finding Balance on a Thin Line.

Re-post from my Journal on Livin' La Vida Low Carb Disscussion.

This is from May of 2008, but still hold true today.

I have never really been good at keeping a journal, online or otherwise. I am kind of lost as to what to do or say. I also have a fear that nobody cares what I think. (Which is actually okay, but still a fear of mine.) But there have been things running around in my mind, and I think a Personal Journal is the place to...well...spew them, for the lack of a better definition. I've been trying to figure out the differences in my time last summer with Kimkins compared to I am doing now. I know all the differences are not just with what I am eating. It has to do with my attitude, and my preparedness. I was so focused (maybe too focused) on what I was doing - so intent on NOT getting it wrong. I had food prepared for the week in advanced. I knew the "lists" by heart, I had the attitude that I was going to make it happen. I'm not sure what happened after Kimkins. I know my attitude towards food is different. I am more in fear of it. I am afraid of bad things happening to me if I follow the wrong path again. Last time I was lucky(???) I only lost some hair, had some dizzy spells, bled for three months straight. But, (sadly) I do have a secret desire to do Kimkins again, but am terrified at what could happen. Heck, I haven't even figured out what happened the first time. How was I so gullible to believe that my body could survive and not start to rebel at 500 to 800 calories a day?? I feel so stupid. And, how did I ever manage to get that low? I love food, but somehow, my mind tricked my body into "not needing" it. I look back at my FitDay entries now and am SHOCKED at how little I was eating on a Daily Basis. And I was so proud of it. (I say that with disgust in my voice.) What was wrong with me? And how do I now fix me? I am struggling to find a happy medium. Enough food to feel good, but not enough to feel stuffed. But little enough to lose weight, but not so little I harm myself. See what I mean...I have learned a tremendous amount in the last eleven months, but putting it into practice is totally different. I have learned that starving myself (while not feeling it.) could kill me. I have learned that eating a traditional Atkins diet is a great way for me to maintain my weight, but I have yet to unlock the secret of how to re-activate my weightloss. Finding Balance on the Thin Line Between Too Little and Too Much. That is my mission, I pray I find success.

Sooooo, there you have it. Why I am trying to find my balance. And why it is difficult.

Headed in a new direction.

I am getting myself back together and headed in a new direction. I know I have said this before, but I am hopeful that this time will be "the time". I got myself some personal ass-kickers. My BFF's are helping me, keeping me on the road to good health. Right now I am walking. Yep, just walking. This is my attempt at baby steps. :) I am also trying to be mindful of my portion size, but not kicking myself when I eat something bad for me.

My next step will be changing my foods. Going low carb is what I am going to be successful at, so I will be moving that way. I am going to be doing a lot of reading, and self testing, to find the foods that are best, and worst, for me to eat. I want to be able to have melon and berries, and still lose weight. What works for one person, may or may not, work for another. I am going to figure out what works for me.

Another thing I am going to do is change the name of my blog. I am going to switch it to "Finding Balance on a Thin Line." This has to do with a journal post I made at Jimmy Moore's Livin' La Vida Low Carb Discussion Forum. I will be switching the name and re-posting that post, to help explain. I am still looking for that balance, hopefully I will find it, and move forward.

Wish me luck!