Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Finding Balance on a Thin Line.

Re-post from my Journal on Livin' La Vida Low Carb Disscussion.

This is from May of 2008, but still hold true today.

I have never really been good at keeping a journal, online or otherwise. I am kind of lost as to what to do or say. I also have a fear that nobody cares what I think. (Which is actually okay, but still a fear of mine.) But there have been things running around in my mind, and I think a Personal Journal is the place to...well...spew them, for the lack of a better definition. I've been trying to figure out the differences in my time last summer with Kimkins compared to I am doing now. I know all the differences are not just with what I am eating. It has to do with my attitude, and my preparedness. I was so focused (maybe too focused) on what I was doing - so intent on NOT getting it wrong. I had food prepared for the week in advanced. I knew the "lists" by heart, I had the attitude that I was going to make it happen. I'm not sure what happened after Kimkins. I know my attitude towards food is different. I am more in fear of it. I am afraid of bad things happening to me if I follow the wrong path again. Last time I was lucky(???) I only lost some hair, had some dizzy spells, bled for three months straight. But, (sadly) I do have a secret desire to do Kimkins again, but am terrified at what could happen. Heck, I haven't even figured out what happened the first time. How was I so gullible to believe that my body could survive and not start to rebel at 500 to 800 calories a day?? I feel so stupid. And, how did I ever manage to get that low? I love food, but somehow, my mind tricked my body into "not needing" it. I look back at my FitDay entries now and am SHOCKED at how little I was eating on a Daily Basis. And I was so proud of it. (I say that with disgust in my voice.) What was wrong with me? And how do I now fix me? I am struggling to find a happy medium. Enough food to feel good, but not enough to feel stuffed. But little enough to lose weight, but not so little I harm myself. See what I mean...I have learned a tremendous amount in the last eleven months, but putting it into practice is totally different. I have learned that starving myself (while not feeling it.) could kill me. I have learned that eating a traditional Atkins diet is a great way for me to maintain my weight, but I have yet to unlock the secret of how to re-activate my weightloss. Finding Balance on the Thin Line Between Too Little and Too Much. That is my mission, I pray I find success.

Sooooo, there you have it. Why I am trying to find my balance. And why it is difficult.

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